“I know what I need to do BUT I don’t seem to be able to do it.”
Having spoken to over 300 women this year alone, I know the REAL reasons behind why they’re lost or stuck.
It breaks my heart that these women are caught up in judgement, self hate and blame for not being where they want to be in life.
• Not liking what they see in the mirror
• Not being happy in their relationship
• Feeling self conscious when being intimate with their partner
• Always working hard to prove themselves in the office
• Trying to be superwomen running a business whilst having a family.
• Suffering at the hands of low self-confidence and lack of belief in what they’re capable of
• Not seeing what a beautiful person they are or what they’ve achieved
I get it.
How do I understand it so much??
I’ve been there. I suffered for 2 years from crippling anxiety and depress with the biggest daily battle being with the duvet.
When I won I’d get out and live a normal day. On the days I lost I was stuck crying and struggling to breath for the weight of anxiety in my chest.
BUT what I’ve learnt. IT’S NOT MINE FAULT. And IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT EITHER.
Learning how to DRIVE your Brain
Knowing, loving and being you and leading the happy life that comes from it all comes down to learning how to drive your brain. We’re given the world’s most advanced super computer but given no idea how to drive it.
MINDSET to me doesn’t exist. BRAINSET is where the magic and true transformation happens.This is the REAL work to make lasting changes in your life.
We all want to understand ourselves more, how we react and how we feel. How often have you thought or people told you , “it’s all in the mind.” Well here’s the REVELATION it’s not in the mind … it is all in the brain.
And from my £25k investment in ME. I’m going to share the NOGGIN KNOWLEDGE I’ve learnt.
The ninja noggin tips that have led me to the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been at the age of 39.
My Top 10 Noggin Knowledege Tips
1) “Why can’t I break those old habits that hold me back” – The job of the brain is pattern recognition
Based on our survival instinct our brain will look for patterns that it can predict as these are “safe” as it knows what will happen next.
This will happen even if they are not in your best interests. This shows that you are living in the brain stem of your brain, so the primitive part of the brain that’s only interested in fight, flight, freeze, f*ck and food.
E.g. for me when I was in corporate world, with a big launch fast approaching the going off track when I was under pressure. ^^^ Did that serve me. NO but was it a pattern my brain knew and felt safe with. YES
Action: Areas of your life that stress or worry you are lacking in a process or a structure … how can you change that?
2) “Why do I always end up comfort eating when I’m stressed?”
The brain will create predictions to it has certainty. The brain wants to protect you and keep you alive above all. It will create neural pathways and habits in order to create prediction. This is called Hebbs Law, a trigger and reaction that is wired together.
These patterns are then stored in the Basal Ganglia and as babies we train ourselves that comfort is in food.
When you are in fear mode, the thinking, brainy part of our brain closes off and we cannot use it. We will act on past stories and experiences to keep us safe in that way the brain will get the prediction it’s looking for.
Action: Question hard-wired connections, e.g. I’ve had a hard day, I “deserve” a treat, a glass of wine. Ask does it serve my purpose? Beware of moral licence, justifying behaviors with “need”, “deserve”, “reward” watch out for these hard wired justifications. Think about the bottle of wine you’ve earnt after a hard day at work.
3) “Why do I get SO scared when I try something new that I know will help me.”
You will feel fear when you make a change If in doubt it will put you into fear mode. Fear can be triggered by a change that was too fast, too slow or something the brain is not sure of intent.
The reactions to fear, can include freeze, flight or fright. When in fear you can’t use the thinking part of your brain, you revert to past experiences and stories.
Action: Recognise fear in yourself and verbalise them to make them less of a threat. For others, be aware and try not to judge e.g. your partner being argumentative when you get home from work. What is their fear? What can you help them with? Being more aware in this way will make you less judgemental.
4) “Why do I always have a glass of wine when I feel down.”
You’re stories are fired and wired together. You are human, our brains are wired to work in a certain way. We evolved from cavemen where our fears were based on staying alive, feeding and sleeping.
We are still wired in that way, hence we like predictability and stories. With this comes wired and fired emotions leading into actions. Eg Hard day = I “deserve” a bottle of wine.
Action: Challenge these wired and fired links, ask yourself each time “does it serve my purpose” or “is it true”. If I drink that wine does it serve my purpose? Is it true it makes me a failure?
5) “I don’t know why I get so down and why I’m always so hard on myself.”
Negative like velcro, positive is like Teflon for the brain. Again due to our brain wanting us to survive, our brains cling to the negative as it is more likely to endanger us. It will also be drawn to negativity to give us the best chance of survival.
The brain wants to maintain the status quo and balance.
Action: Challenge your negative thoughts by asking “Is that true”, search for the truth and the meaning behind your words
6) “Why do I always fail when I start a diet.” Speed of change
Again back to the YOU are unique, each of us have a reaction to speed of change e.g. for some it can be fast for others it can’t be too fast. Think about your own reactions and how you cope with change. How much can you create into small steps with your diet plan to then build from there.
Action: Put in place the small steps to change and take action it at YOUR pace. I am not going to make this a 10, 21 or 28 day diet but MY programme to take MY pace.
7) “I never see the good and the positive in myself or my life.” Self esteem bank account
Reward yourself and value what you have achieved not what you haven’t. Our brain has a goal seeking neurotransmitter called dopamine, it drives us onto a goal no matter what is in the way and measures our success only against that goal. Yet at the end when we get to that goal it doesn’t reward us with a virtual thank you, a serotonin fix the happy hormone.
Action: Reward yourself for the small steps you take towards a goal. Keep an achievement diary, write down, recognise and pat yourself on the back for what you HAVE done at the end of each day. Get that happy hormone fix. Think of it as adding to the self esteem bank account, each time you take a step towards a goal add a credit.
8) “I always seem to fall off track on Friday nights at home.” Where are you?
The brain has deep-wired connections between you and your environment. Are there places that you go and they bring back deep-seated memories that trigger happy or sad feelings? Your brain is reliving the experience and your hormones will do the same, triggering cortisol for those upsetting memories.
For example I recently split up from someone I really cared about and I’ve found it really tough. I had lots of memories about him and our time together. I have had to get rid of all messages and any evidence of our relationship as it doesn’t serve my purpose to revisit it.
Action: In your home sit in each room and think about how you feel when you are in that room, what feelings does it trigger? Do they make you feel good or not so much? If not so much what can you do to change that. How can you make each room somewhere you love being?
9) “I never get the support I seem to need as my husband doesn’t understand me.”
Who’s on your team? Your success in life will come easier with supporters and true fans in your corner. So ask yourself who’s on your team? Do you have your die hard supporters? What do you want them to do to help you?
For example when you reach for that bottle of wine after a hard day at work, that you “deserve” do you want them to ask you “how does that serve you?”. Or if you say “I am fat” is that true?
Action: Think about the people in your life, how will they help you? Are they supporters or doubters? What do you NEED your supporters to do? Ask them to do it … SIMPLES
10) “I always feel that I should be doing MORE Be authentic and the real you
You can’t feck up being YOU. Don’t be scared of showing emotion and how you feel, you think about your fears and threats. If you learn to work with these and share them they become less scary to start with. When you are showing your true emotion others round you will feel empathy and connect with you.
It is part of being human, sharing real emotion isn’t weak don’t be ashamed or scared of it.
Action: Think about what or who has triggered your fear and what you small steps you can take to make the fear less scary. Or find a coach like me to help you find YOUR truth and coaching you to win in life. Watch this video by Brenegh Brown, vulnerability is power.
Final Noggin Knowledge
We are all unique, in fact unique EVERY single day. Yet we also human beings, and as humans our brains our wired in a certain way. Learn to work with it and understand it.
Remember it is not in your mind, mindset or you it is your brain and how your brain was designed to works to keep you alive. I hope this has helped you understand a little about how your brain works.
Ready to make a change?
If you’re really struggling and need some help but don’t know where to start and feeling a little lost. You can book a FREE StrongHer Transformation Session, worth £97 here.
30 minutes with one of our expert, StrongHer coaches to find out why things haven’t worked for you before and get clarity on what you’re goals are. We only run a limited number as we only have 10 places left to join us.
Like what you’ve read and want to follow us:
Twitter: StrongHer Formula
Facebook: Nicola Buckley, StrongHer Health and Confidence Coaching and FREE coaching group here.